i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
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I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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