hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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