Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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