ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
