Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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