Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
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he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?