my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
