Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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