My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
