that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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