This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
