pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
