but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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