One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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