Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
