After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
