I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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