I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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