Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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