Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
