I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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