There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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