ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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