I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
