Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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