Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
