She announced her abortion via fbk
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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