You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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