I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
