i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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