My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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