Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
