I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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