and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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