What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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