I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
