saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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