How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
