She is in my trunk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
