and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
