Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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