I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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