Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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