OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
