so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
