Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
