In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
