He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we made out on top of his cat.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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