Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I got chris browned last night
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So squirting runs in the family.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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