I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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