How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What a dumb baby whore.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
