Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
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you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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