mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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