I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
