I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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