Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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