I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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