Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
