I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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