You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
