Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
